Bob the Wealthy Widower

17 09 2007

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”

Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”

They’re knocked over, but continue to ask. “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?”

“I lied about my age”, Bob replies.

“What, did you tell her you were only 50?”

Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”

They Think I’m in a Same-Sex Partnership

18 08 2007

Colin and I were out today doing errands (buying tupperware and a weedwacker to be precise)

We were chatting about how we talk to one another, as I was remarking how even when there is just the two of us, I still use his name as a talk.  . . “What do you think about ‘this’ Colin?”  “What would you like for dinner Colin” “Colin pick up your socks in the bedroom”.   Since he is usually the only one in the room the need for using his name is mute.

I asked him how often he uses my name in a day, and he says not very often.  I’m puzzled, why not Colin? I ask him.

Well, saying “My wife” is a heck of a lot easier to explain than “Joey” – everyone thinks I’m in a gay partnership!

We ARE in Montreal, after all. . .  .


When Your Toilet Gets Clogged

27 06 2007


OK fine.  I ADMIT it.  I flushed a *few* paper towels down the toilet.

I was cleaning it at the time.

Anyways, long story short – the toilet clogged and over flowed.

We needed a solution FAST that didn’t include phoning out one of those truly expensive all-night plumbers.

We Googled it.

  1. Empty out as much water from the bowl as you can
  2. Poor a half cup of (good quality) liquid dish soap.  Let it sit for 10-15 minutes
  3. Boil a large kettle or pot of water
  4. Poor the boiling water into the bowl.  Let sit another 10-15 minutes.
  5. Plunge as usual
  6. Flush and VOILA.  The clog will be gone.

As a side note, do not put ‘Liquid Plumber’ into toilets.  It says so right on the package, but last night when I made the run for dish soap I bought a bottle, just in case.  I didn’t read it until I got home (who reads labels anyways. . .  . 😉

Funny News Headlines

14 06 2007

  1. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
  2. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  3. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  4. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  5. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  6. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  7. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
  8. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  9. Farmer Bill Dies in House
  10. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  11. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
  12. Stud Tires Out
  13. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  14. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  15. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
  16. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
  17. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
  18. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  19. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  20. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
  21. If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  22. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  23. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  24. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
  25. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  26. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  27. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  28. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
  29. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  30. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
  31. Include your Children when Baking Cookies
  32. War Dims Hope for Peace
  33. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
  34. Eye Drops off Shelf
  35. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
  36. Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
  37. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
  38. Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
  39. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
  40. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
  41. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
  42. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84
  43. Steals Clock, Faces Time
  44. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
  45. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  46. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
  47. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
  48. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
  49. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
  50. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  51. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
  52. Air Head Fired
  53. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
  54. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
  55. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board


Funny Stories in the News

13 06 2007

I came across some funny stories today on line, here are a few tidbits.

A Little Gas

A Dutch veterinarian was fined 600 guilders (about $240)
for causing a fire that destroyed a farm in Lichten Vourde,
the Netherlands. The vet had been trying to convince a farmer
that his cow was passing flatulent gas; to demonstrate, the
vet ignited the gas, but the cow became a “four-legged
flame-thrower” and ran wild, setting fire to bales of hay.
Damage to the farm was assessed at $80,000. The cow was
unharmed. AP

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Is there Dog Meat in Spam?

18 05 2007

I received a corker of a spam email today in my work account.

Made me laugh, I wanted to share it. . . . .

From: Zairiati Hendricks []
Sent: Friday, May 18, 2007 10:24 AM
To: Joey
Subject: Re:

Hello my friend!I am ready to kill myself and eat my dog, if medicine prices here (http://addressofwebsiteIwon’tpromote) are bad.Look, the site and call me 1-800 if its wrong..

My dog and I are still alive 🙂

I best get cracking and order me some cialis. . . . . . .

Newspaper Humor at “The Darwin Exception”

3 05 2007

Kim calls her Blog The Darwin Exception

“because it’s not always survival of the fittest;

sometimes the idiots get through”

I found Kim’s blog in the Tag Surfer one day, and it’s quickly become a must-read for me.

My favourite feature on her blog is the Newspaper Humor.  Unfortuntaly for me I always end up reading it while on a break at work, I try to laugh quietly but invititably I just can’t keep myself quiet, my small little fits of laughing and tears often raise an ‘Are you ok?’ from at least one co-worker.

Her feature never fails to make me cry with laughter.  I have no idea where she finds the ads and clippings, but I’m certainly glad she does.  I look forward to that weekly feature! 

Noah’s Ark – Weird Words for Groups of Animals

2 05 2007

Here is a list I stumbled across, its what different animals are called in a group.

Make me giggle.  Who makes up this stuff?


In a group:


a gang of elk


a business of ferrets


a tower of giraffes


a cackle of hyenas


a troop of kangaroos


a leap of leopards


a barrel or troop of monkeys


a pride of lions


a streak of tigers


an army of frogs


a shiver of sharks


a dule of doves


a convocation of eagles


a stand of flamingoes


a kettle or cast of hawks


a parliament of owls


a company of parrots


an ostentation of peacocks


an unkindness of ravens


a charm or glint of goldfish


a nest of vipers


a congregation of alligators


a float of crocodiles


a shrewdness of apes


a coalition of cheetahs


a murder of crows


a charm of hummingbirds


a smack of jellyfish


an exultation or ascension of larks


a string of ponies

Jean-Claude Van Damme Thats a Big Boner

10 04 2007

Sometimes I enjoy a good bit of internet flith, it makes me laugh.  And one always needs a reason to use the word  ‘boner’.

Check out how embarassed he gets after dancing with the lady. . . .

I have a stitch in my side from giggling.

Hungry Bum & “Sne”

31 03 2007

When I was younger there were very few things that my sister and I had in common, there was a few things however, that made us laugh our asses off. Many of things things sprung from going back and forth from the various dance competitions we competed in when we were younger. Last week when I went to the dance competition it was the first time in a long time that we had one of our famous laugh till it hurts fits.

One of the biggest things that made us laugh was Hungry Bum and Sne.

Hungry Bum, as the name suggests, is when your bum “eats” your pants. Sne on the otherhand is an acronyn, for “Spontaneous Nipple Erection” . Both afflictions run rampened at dance competitions. . . .

(This is a picture I took with Chris and Christine during a visit to Montreal)

It was wonderful to laugh with my sister. I miss her. I wish we could hang out and laugh like that more often.

Do Not Feed The Animals

10 03 2007

Do Not Feed The Animals – Do not laugh at this joke.  Another Dad Special. . . my dad likes to think he is a really really funny guy.  People tell me all the time how funny he is. . . .  .is he funny?  I got this joke in my email over the weekend from dearest Dad. .  . . 

Remember, I warned you,  do not feed the animals. . .  .

do not feed

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. “Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.” Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”(you’re gonna love this)(its a real treat)(a masterpiece)(wait for it)The bank manager looks back at her and says…“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”(You’re singing it, aren’t you?  Yeah, I know you are……..)Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Magnet Fun

11 08 0008

Here are some magnets that amused me.  You can buy any of them at ART.COM.

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