9 08 2007

Disappointment is an ugly little beast. Wikipedia says that Disappointment is the emotion felt when an expectation of something positive desired is not met. Disappointment can also occur when a desired outcome is not met, even if it was not fully expected.

I know I am an emotional teeter-totter. Bolted to the ground in stability, but my moods and feelings can go either way (at pretty much any given moment). I wear my heart on my sleeve, and there isn’t much to hide with me (or my blog). I’ve never shy-ed away from just saying what I think or feel. This is my diary, its just perhaps a little more public that keeping a little locked book under the mattress of my bed, but diary all the same. I some times forget that there is in fact an audience to my happenings and doings.

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. It was one of those extremely challenging days at work that really try your mental fiber, and then the whole cottage thing – which frankly I let take over my day.

I reread what I wrote yesterday, and with Colin’s advice, I took down my No Cottage For Joey rant. Its not that I didn’t mean or feel what I wrote, its that its not fair to the players in involved. I was angry, upset and most of all disappointed. And I let that get the better of me. I acted hastily.

I love, cherish and respect my friends – and at the end of the day, when my blog is done and buried I’d like to think that I’d still be loved, cherished and respected by those same people in return. Selfish flash un-thought out rants are a surefire way to speed along a road to loneliness. And I certainly don’t want that.

Disappointment can come in many forms, for me yesterday I was incredibly selfish. I’ve not taken the holidays I deserve or so very desperately need. This next week was intended to be a total recharge week. Relax, rest and recharge! And the prospect of not doing that disappointed me so extremely it made me feel raw and torn in the pit of my stomach. I’m nearing a burn out point. . . .

. . . . I need this so very bad.

Even as children we suffer the nature of the disappointment beast. I’ve simply not learned (or remembered) the lessons on how to tame that beast. I acted when I should have thought. . . .

Do you remember Christmas or birthday gifts that you wanted but never received? Not winning the race? Not getting the mark on the term paper you worked so hard on? Or not being asked to the dance. . . .I do. I remember what disappointment felt like every time.

I was so deep in imagining myself at the end of the docks, toes skimming the top of the water, bright sun casting large beams of light over the soft waves. Fishing line ready and the little red & white floater bobbing on the water, I forgot about the main reason we were going at all to the cottage in the first place. To see friends, and be with friends.

I was very excited to spend some real quality time with them, even if many of my day dreams and imaginings were for about just me. . . .

Those that know my tendencies to be organised for scheduled events won’t be surprised to learn that I have been packed for days, even my soft cooler bag with snacks is standing at the ready at the door. The bottled water is frozen in the freezer (So we can use it as cooler packs for the other drinks). Heck, I bought a swim cap!

At the end of the day, I love our friends, and respect what they need to do. But I feel I am still untitled to feel that disappointment. To feel anything, even disappointment, is human.

As a side note, we may have a solution for our holiday woes. . . . . to be continued. .  . 






6 responses

9 08 2007

I definitely hear what you are saying… you don’t know who I am but I happened on your blog by blog-surfing and reading this; it definitely touched me… I just hope your disappointment doesn’t hurt you for too long. I hope you don’t mind this out of the blue comment!

9 08 2007

Sorry to hear you’re upset. I missed your post yesterday…
You need a plan B!

9 08 2007

thanks lilserenity. . . .I don’t mind at all about your ‘out of the blue comment’

Its nice to know other people out there understand. . .

9 08 2007

Hey Katie. . .

Yeah, I totally needed a plan B.

We are going for the birthday party, and then back to Montreal. Both Colin and I will be going to work next week.

We’ll save our holiday days for when we can really make it count.

I work so hard for the little time off I get, I want to make sure I’m making the most of it. . . . .

I’m sure I’ll be speaking to you next week Katie. . .hahahaah

About that “thingy” I’m sure. . .

9 08 2007

:hug: :comfort:

9 08 2007

Thanks New Hoosier. . .

I appreciate that. . .

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