I don’t speak Starbucks

13 02 2007

I am about to admit something I can imagine I might get some flack for.  Espeically from one of my (four) faithful readers, Penseroso, who lives in Seattle. 

I don’t like Starbucks.

Perhaps this dislike is simply brought on by the fact that even though I adore the smell of fresh brewing coffee – I can’t stand the taste of the stuff. 

I’ve tried to like coffee, and I’ve given it every opportunity to like me too.  And every once in a while I give it another second chance.  I believe coffee has at least 10 second chances in as many years.  We still agree to disagree on liking on another.

I remember my first day of college going to the on campus Tim Hortons and ordering an extra large regular coffee and thinking to myself, “I better learn to like coffee, how will I survive college if I don’t?”  I took two sips of the bitter concoction, and threw it away.

Over time I’ve sampled esspressos, lattes, vanilla this, carmel that. . .  .I just can’t feel my way through the bitterness to the angelic delectable flavours of a good cuppa that everyone keeps telling me about.

As the rampant infestation of Starbucks weed their way into every mall, high street, book store and street corner I have felt that I needed to give this life giving exilir even more second chances.   The sweet breads, cookies and other baked goods working just like the gingerbread house in Hansel and Gretel luring unspecting non-coffee drinkers like myself into their fold.

Recently I went to lunch with some Starbucks Addicited co-workers.  We stopped off at the local for a brew.  They asked me what I wanted.  I could feel the globuals of sweat beading and pooling on my brow, my breath shortened, panic set it.  “I don’t know, uh, well, how about a hot chocolate.  . . . . . “

The lady with the spiky pink hair, horn rimmed glasses and the lip ring behind the black laquered counter said something about Ventis and Grandes.  I grunted and pointed to the smaller of the two cups she was holding out in front of me.

She Says, Foam or no foam?   I Say, Pardon?

She Says, Blended or Stired?  I Say, Uhmmm. . . .

She Says, Double blended? I Say, Double who?

She Says, One shot or Double Shot?  I Say, So early in the morning?

She Says, Wipped Cream or None?   My eyes drew thin, scanning the expansive wall of options – desperatly looking for a picture on which to base my uncharted caffeninated beverage on.

She Says, Milk or low-fat-non-dairy-creamer-subsitute?  I Say, Whats the difference?

She Says, Drizzled liquid carmel or chocolate shavings?  My heart beating hard against my chest.

She Says, White or milk chocolate?  I Say, what about the carmel?

With a smug look and furowed brow I think to myself, does that come in “fair trade”?

AHGGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I took a deep breath and exhaled with effort.  “Excuse, can I change my mind and just order a tea please?”

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10 responses

13 02 2007
Geno

Recent taste tests have shown that more people prefer mc Donalds coffee to regular starbucks coffee. Shows how much it blows! I hate starbucks just much as walmart

13 02 2007
travelingmedicineshow

I have to say I love coffee, but it is hard to love Starbucks. Another mega corporate chain running everyone out of business. Yuk. Which is not to say that I don’t go to Starbucks especially on the road. But my pathetic little protest to corporate excess is that I refuse to use their stupid lingo: tall, venti? What is that crap? So I say, “Can I have a small coffee?” “Tall coffee?” they respond. “Small coffee,” I counter. What an iconoclast I am.

13 02 2007
Joey

Tall is small?

I’m truly so confused.

What the heck is Venti and Grande. . . which one is bigger.

I’m sweating just sitting here!!!

13 02 2007
Rachel

I’m pretty sure we were separated at birth, we sure have lots in common. 🙂 I would love to join in with my friends when they’re discussing this coffee taste or that coffee taste, but eew, the stuff is just nasty. I’ve tried over the years to like it, but it is just not going to happen.

13 02 2007
icedmocha

When next you visit the evil Starbucks, try the Caramel Apple Cider.

13 02 2007
brahnamin

starbucks and free trade in the same sentence. lol.

here’s the thing, if bitterness is an issue, you might want to try brewing your own coffee.

starbucks pretty much uber-roasts all it’s coffee. they do this because it’s cheaper.

why is it cheaper?

because after a certain amount of roasting time all you taste is the roast. not the bean. so by *dark* roasting their coffee they can use cheaper beans and none the wiser.

the mountain of whipped cream likely helps mask the taste, too.

for a less bitter brew you want a medium or even light roast coffee.

try a guatamalan antigua or a kenyan grand cru or medium roast columbian.

*breakfast blends* are also generally medium roast and much more flavorful/less bitter.

newman’s own and peet’s are two that i recommend next time social peer pressure is pushing you to give the bean yet another go round.

13 02 2007
brahnamin

ps-if you hate starbucks, stay away from french roast of every stripe.

13 02 2007
Penseroso

I agree with the Medicine Man: Starbucks and Coffee are not synonymous. Tragically, however, your aversion does not appear to be Starbucks, but the Nectar of the Gods itself! How can you LIVE without the stuff, my poor child?

14 02 2007
Joey

Penseroso, I don’t know how I live without coffee.

I keep trying it, though. Do I at least get an “a” for effort?

I have a dislike for coffee, and a fear of Starbucks.

hahahahah

17 02 2007
Markk

I like coffee. Quite a lot in fact, but I can’t stand Starbucks; they are my least favourite coffee shop ever.
I even did an anti-Starbucks rant on my own blog a few months back.

What is it with the wanky names for the sizes there anyway? “Tall” for the smallest size? I mean, come on. Whenever I am roped in to going there, I make a point of ignoring their names for the sizes, and I urge you all to join me.

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