Deathly Afraid

6 12 2006

I got a happy/sad email today from Christine.  Our friend Lee is now engaged to be married.  (thats the happy part).  We also found out today her mother has fast moving cancer, the doctors are treating it aggressivily – but she has had a few complications since her surgery 2 weeks ago. 

(I wish her the best treatment, the least amount of pain, lots of love from family and a speedy recovery.)

It got me thinking about death.  Again.  Man, this has been something on the top of my mind recently quite a bit.  That in itself is scary.

I thought to myself I’m 28 years old and I’ve not really had to deal with loss.  I can’t fathome how I will react or cope with the death of the first family member I lose.  I suspect I won’t handle it well.  (Colin – you’ve been warned)

I have faith that those who trust and believe that there is a plan for us all will be rewarded, but the truth of the matter is none of know what that reward could be.  Is it peaceful eternal sleep, is there a paradise playground where we all walk together in perfect bodies . . .  .will my cats be there?

 . . . . . having faith that there IS something is different than knowing what that “is” actually is. . .

. . . .does that make sense? . . . . . .I feel like I’m rambling.

I’m afraid of death.  I’m not afraid of actually dying, because there is little that can be done about the eneviable.  I’m afraid of hurting or being in pain, or those I love in the same condition.  I’m afraid of that paramount unknown.  . . . .





One response

7 12 2006

Remember Katherine Hepburn? I cherish her for two things: “Bringing Up Baby”, her 1938 movie with Cary Grant, and something she said about death not long before she died: “It’s just going to be a long sleep.” She wasn’t at all bothered by that. Why should anyone be? Do you remember what it was like before you were born? I’ll venture a guess that death will be just like that.

My biggest fear is suffering, whether it be from pain, or loneliness or despair. Old Age brings all three in spades.

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